These last few days have been very difficult. I have hardly wanted to leave the apartment and it’s made me nearly hate it here. It wasn’t good timing to move here when we did. If we had stayed in Durham maybe Darius would have stayed on our couch. If Eli hadn’t just started working his new job he would have gone over earlier in the day. I feel like this moment in time, all these changes were more significant than we realized, and the world is out of control.Â
As a kid I always used to think about all of the decisions that we make in life and how they define our life path. Just as the brain’s neurons are constantly changing how we experience the world, each small moment changes every moment of our future. And some small decisions can change everything. It’s too much to think about all that could have been, and I had stopped thinking about it as an adult. But since Darius left us, I just can’t stop thinking about all of the tiny decisions that could have changed this outcome. I’m stuck on the question of inevitability. Was this suicide inevitable. If it had been stopped, would he have succeeded in the end.
Darius’s death has made me feel both out of control and in awe of this world. When I wake up in the morning, I stare at Eli knowing exactly how much I could loose. I’m amazed by how much we humans are capable of feeling. Having talked to so many people, it’s comforting to know that there are expectations of grief. This feeling of being really depressed about 40% of the time and callus about 60% of the time… sometimes feeling that everything is OK and thinking that I’m inhuman and have no emotions and then suddenly breaking apart into sadness… this is the path that grief plows. I saw Maya Angelo speak a few years ago and she said in her singing voice that in life you can always take comfort in knowing that everything you experience, every emotion you feel has been felt before. We are built of common threads. Grief is personal, but every thought, every feeling is a part of grief’s repertoire.
Today has been a better day. Today I painted some small paintings of Darius for Eli. I had been planning this for the past couple of days, but didn’t have the momentum. Today I did.
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Darius Poteat
Darius Poteat