Having worked with adolescent parents, I am very interested in why mothers choose to have children at specific ages. Now that I’m getting ready to start my PhD, I am increasingly surrounded by women who have delayed motherhood into their 30s and even 40s.
It reminds me of back when I was working at Roca with teen parents, and I realized one day that some of the girls had deduced that I must be infertile. I was in my late twenties, living with a man, and had no child. It seemed the obvious conclusion.
As the economic gap in America widens, so has the reproductive gap. In a way it is just as bizarre for women to be pushing parenthood into their 30s and even 40s as it is for women in America to decide to become adolescent parents. As teen pregnancy rates increase, so does in-vitro fertilization. This summer I am hoping to interview women on the other side of the economic/education/reproductive divide.
Rebecca, age 31, and Noah, 10 weeks
Rebecca Stein-Kunder has just finished her MD/PhD at Duke. She is about to begin her residency at Stanford with her husband, Chris.
Amanda: Why did you plan to have a baby at this point in your life?
Rebecca: I knew that I was going to have about four or five months off after medical school, and I thought that probably never again in my life would I have so much time off. The other thing is that my mother had said that she would take at least a year off to take care of Noah. I checked with her to make sure that she basically signed on the dotted line before I got pregnant.
Amanda: How did your colleagues in medical school react when you told them?
Rebecca: Everyone was really happy, but I think that everyone was worried. They asked, “Are you sure that this is a good time?†I understood their concerns, and I assured them that I had a childcare plan.â€
Amanda: How has it been so far with Noah?
Rebecca: Just seeing him is incredible. It is something that is just so bizarre and tender to think that this is your child. There are easy days and joyful times and there are hard days and rough times as well. I enjoy him more and more each day as he interacts more with the world and with me. When he was about six weeks old he started smiling, and that didn’t happen a day too soon. I think we’re figuring each other out.
Amanda: Is it similar to what you expected?
Rebecca: I didn’t have very clear expectations. I knew it would be difficult. I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping very much. I think I didn’t expect how much fun it would be to just play with him, even when he’s so little. As my sister-in-law says, he’s in his pot roast stage. But he can be fun to play with, and I appreciate that.
Amanda: How do you feel about the upcoming move?
Rebecca: It is comforting to have some things that will be the same. Chris and I and Noah and the dog and the two cats are all moving there together. Even though it is hard to relocate that group of people and animals three thousand miles away, it’s comforting that we’ll all be together out there too.
Amanda: How do you feel, knowing that in residency you will have much less time with Noah.
Rebecca: It’s hard for me to say, because I haven’t spent that much time away from him yet. But, when I do spend time away from him, I’m very excited when I come back and see him again. I think that at the end of the day I will be pretty happy to see him. Although, sometimes he is pretty fussy in the evenings, so I think it will be unfortunate if I spend all day looking forward to seeing him, and he’s a fussy baby.
Amanda: Do you ever have pains of regret that because of your career choice, you can’t spend more time with him?
Rebecca: Well, he’s ten weeks old now, and knowing that if I had been in residency, I would have only had six weeks at home, that makes me definitely not want to have a kid during residency. It has been important for me to have this time. I don’t know how long optimally I would stay home with him. I think that at some point, I would go back to work, even if I didn’t have to. But, I think it will be difficult as he gets older and I’m missing out on things because I’m at work.
Amanda: How has having Noah changed your relationship with Chris?
Rebecca: I thought that having Noah would be much more stressful on our relationship, but the most stressful thing on our relationship right now is the move across the country. Noah is something that we definitely enjoy together. I enjoy watching Chris with Noah. It has been good for us in that way.